Stay Strong!

I am feeling so strongly that I should be offering resources regarding marriage and raising kids with special needs. It is REALLY on my heart, so here goes. (It is only two days post-Valentine's so I will take the liberty . . . .)

If you had any words of wisdom to offer another set of parents regarding marriage and raising a child with special needs, what would they be? I have thought about this a lot and have only been asked a few times, so you will see that I have been saving up for you, people! No, not really, but in our case, it has gotten better marriage-wise, the farther we go. (We had been married for 7 years when our little guy came along with Down syndrome. We have celebrated 23 years together now.)

In the beginning, it would have been good just to know that we would handle the news, the grief, and the adjustment differently. Just as moms and dads handle most things with their children differently from each other (no kidding, right?). Expecting your spouse to react and deal the same as you only creates a chasm between you. However, at the time, you have no idea this is happening and feel the big “disconnect”, which is a lonely feeling. Our guys are just different from us women. And they feel so responsible for us and for putting up a good front to be strong. Looking back, it is quite sweet, but at the time it was frustrating. Communication, communication, communication!

Some resources I have recently found:

http://www.disabilityscoop.com/2009/02/02/save-my-marriage/1972/ This is a woman who is a family therapist and who has a son with Fragile X. She really gets it, and this interview with her is great. She talks about the need for support and getting stuck in grief, which is what I think happened to me years ago. She has a yearly retreat called “Healing the Mother’s Heart.”

http://www.disaboom.com/children-with-disabilities/for-better-or-worse-and-kids-with-disabilities This is a good article which highlights some good communication skills.

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/parenting_challenges/parenting_a_special_needs_child.aspx This article even offers a 1-800 number if you need to speak with a counselor. They also have an online parenting community for parents of children with special needs.

http://www.amazon.com/Married-Special-Needs-Children-Couples-Connected/dp/1890627100 I know I have referenced this one twice already! I really am enjoying it, though. It has a section on “Heartfelt conflicts : opposing views on protection, expectations, and helping your child.” We need to keep looking for what will help us get strong and stay strong as couples!

Ideas?

Marriage -- Guard it!

Well, I was on to something even if I did not know that I was. I posted a few days ago about the book I am reading, "Married With Special Needs Children, A Couples Guide to Keeping Connected . . .". The more I read in it, the more I am convinced that you should read it if the title applies to you. I am seeing that we are similar in our dilemmas and differences; it is really amazing to read and see something that you think is unique to your situation, and it isn't!

About what I was on to --- turns out this week is National Marriage Week. Now, isn't that a good reason to do something to better your union? Yes! How about beginning some small habit that strengthens your marriage? What could it be? Email your spouse during the day to say "hi" and something encouraging? Set up a time to go out -- just the two of you? Fix his favorite dinner just because? Do something that brings back old (and good) memories! Do something that will make him laugh. Whatever you come up with, just do it. I'd love to hear about it.

The Guide to Keeping Connected

Marriage. Can you say it like the little priest in “The Princess Bride”? (Maaa-widge.) I guess Valentine’s Day has it on the forefront of my mind. Plus I have read a few blogs lately where marriages are stressed, due to parenting a child or children with special needs. It is tough to stay married in our culture; the stats do not look good. But throw in the challenge of parenting a child with special needs, and the stats are – well, not as good.

I take hope, though, in all the things that bring us closer in marriage. Often our joint effort with our child brings us closer. And the joy of the child's successes is much sweeter together. I am not Polly Anna, however. I know there are so many factors which can push us away from each other, which is why I keep my eyes open for information to help, not hurt my marriage.

I found this book recently at the library. I am barely into it, and I am so fascinated and encouraged by it! Anybody want to do book club with this one?? The authors really get it-- I can't wait to get further into it.

If you are married, with or without children with special needs, it is energizing to read something with the intention of giving your relationship a shot in the arm. Your spouse (and you) will be glad you did!

Now, for your listening pleasure, from "The Princess Bride". (I could not resist!)